I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
