I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
