The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
