Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
