My liver just broke up with me...
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
