This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
