Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
