Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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