I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
