Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
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