Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
