he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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