i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
