you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
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