Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
