Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Welp...herpes.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
