Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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