Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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