The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
