On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
