i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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