your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
