My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
