New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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