i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
