my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
