Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
