I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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