Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
