Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Randomize
