just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
