I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
