Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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