I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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