Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
