I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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