I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
