i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
