i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
