if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Randomize