I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
