i would punch a child for taco bell
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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