I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
