Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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