i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
