I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
