I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
