On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
NoShamevember. You game?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
