I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize