There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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