your room smells of hookers.
And success
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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