I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
